Musings on my current relationships with Odin and Athena (mostly Odin)

Sometimes I wonder what it is, precisely, the Gods want from me. Lately I wonder about Athena and Odin most of all.

 

I wonder why Athena – a Goddess of logic and rationality and cold, calculating precision of Mind – would bother with an emotional bipolar mess like me. Especially when many of the other Gods that I am drawn to are in many ways Her polar opposite.

 

I seem to be drawn to Gods of madness and ecstasy, of savage, primal destruction and creation (neither can exist without the other), warrior Gods capable of incredible destruction.

First Dionysos, and now Odin. I didn’t expect my few experiences with Anubis (Who was very intensely involved in my life for almost 2 years but Whose Presence has mostly faded away for some reason) to be so erotically charged. I expected that from Dionysos, but was shocked at just how powerfully masculine and MALE Anubis is.

 

Odin, thus far, has been incredibly gentle with me. I can sense a dangerous and howling power behind the civilized mask He wears, and I can’t help but wonder if my experiences are shallow compared to others. I don’t know if I could handle Him at even a faction of His full might, of His earth-shattering power that I KNOW is there. I know He is capable of great ruthlessness, and that he always does everything with a purpose, has a reason and plans within plans for every action He takes.

 

I don’t know what Odin wants from me yet. He’s helped me heal from some terrible emotional wounds that I didn’t think would ever heal. But I’m sort of left waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have daily devotions to the Old Man, I offer Him whiskey and sometimes barley or tobacco, and I feel He’s pleased with that, but I wonder if that’s REALLY all He wants. I hear so much about what a hard and difficult God He is to serve, and the ease of my relationship with Him makes me worry. Aren’t I supposed to feel ripped open and raw by His power? Am I just talking to a sock puppet in my head? I don’t think so. A few times during my devotions, I’ve felt a powerful spirit rise up within me, and I trembled or even cried a little, for no logical, discernible reason. I think that He is listening to me, I feel His Presence, and I sense the raw, bloody hunger contained in Him, but somehow I have never experienced it (and I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed by that). Maybe it’s because He didn’t come into my life until after I had already been completely broken down, utterly destroyed by life, to the point where I had to literally run away to the woods for 2 years because I could not bear to be a part of society any longer. I never thought I’d be back. But here I am, in the world again, and not entirely sure if that is a success or a failure on my part.

 

Athena is completely different. She’s calm, restrained, in the background. To be honest, I rarely feel Her Presence like I do some of the Others, and when I do, its never as intense. I think aloofness is an essential part of Her nature. I have always considered Her my patroness, and yet strangely, I have the least direct experience of Her. I’m not sure if direct experience is something She DOES.

 

I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this. I suppose only time will tell how my relationships with my Deities will unfold. I’m not even sure if this is really something I should publish on here.

 

Its far more personal and less essay-like than what I normally post. Very stream of consciousness, but oh well. It just felt like something I should chronicle, something that needed to be worked out. I’m still working it out. Writing is my primary way of understanding my tangled thoughts and emotions and I am very tangled right now. Not in a bad way, just …. Knotted.

 

Anywho. Thats where I’m at spiritually right now, I suppose.

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6 Responses to Musings on my current relationships with Odin and Athena (mostly Odin)

  1. Allie says:

    Odin for me is very sage, wise, and grandfatherly. Yes, he is Ansuz, and yes, he is storm embodied, the hung god, Blindi, but also he is king of the gods, a magician, and tempter of softest precision. For me, Loki is the chaotic, tearing your life open deity. Odin to me is like lightning and rain. Lightning illuminates the dark, and rain fructifies. He is not always a reckless hurricane. More often than not, this battle god is the nurturing downpour, for blood and water fructify muddy battlegrounds, and Odin is a god of not only endings, but beginnings. He is not just madness – he imparts madness, yet also heals. The snake is sacred to him, one of his attested forms as Bolverk. Snakes are beings of dosage makes medicine or poison. Odin makes the dosage. You experience him much the way I do! I call him Old Bastard. He is a trip.

    • I think its fasnicating that you mention the snake. Snake has been a huge, primary spirit or totem, if you like, for most of my life. All the Gods that are truly important to me have a snakey aspect. I am planning on getting a snake tattoo at some point, hopefully later this year. Now I have to research more about Odin’s heiti of Bolverk!

      Its such a relief to hear that you experience Him in much the same way. Whether I like it or not, there is always a part of me that is doubting if I reallly feeling what I am feeling, and wondering if I am just “crazy”. So its wonderful to hear things like that which confirm and affirm my experiences.

      I love your metaphor about fructifying the muddy battlegrounds, btw.

  2. Keith McCormic says:

    I don’t know if this is applicable, but I have long gotten the impression that both Odin and Athena excel at extended strategy- what I call “the long game”. I mean this of course not in a pejorative sense, but rather in the sense of a chess grandmaster who thinks countless moves ahead.

    I offer this because perhaps what They want at this point might simply be to know that you are doing okay and becoming the person They think you are going to grow into. If that sounds wish-washy, I don’t mean it as such- rather just as the idea that maybe They’re happy to have you to keep doing what you’re doing unless and until They indicate otherwise.

    YMMV, of course. Just a thought that occurred.

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