Sometimes I wonder what it is, precisely, the Gods want from me. Lately I wonder about Athena and Odin most of all.
I wonder why Athena – a Goddess of logic and rationality and cold, calculating precision of Mind – would bother with an emotional bipolar mess like me. Especially when many of the other Gods that I am drawn to are in many ways Her polar opposite.
I seem to be drawn to Gods of madness and ecstasy, of savage, primal destruction and creation (neither can exist without the other), warrior Gods capable of incredible destruction.
First Dionysos, and now Odin. I didn’t expect my few experiences with Anubis (Who was very intensely involved in my life for almost 2 years but Whose Presence has mostly faded away for some reason) to be so erotically charged. I expected that from Dionysos, but was shocked at just how powerfully masculine and MALE Anubis is.
Odin, thus far, has been incredibly gentle with me. I can sense a dangerous and howling power behind the civilized mask He wears, and I can’t help but wonder if my experiences are shallow compared to others. I don’t know if I could handle Him at even a faction of His full might, of His earth-shattering power that I KNOW is there. I know He is capable of great ruthlessness, and that he always does everything with a purpose, has a reason and plans within plans for every action He takes.
I don’t know what Odin wants from me yet. He’s helped me heal from some terrible emotional wounds that I didn’t think would ever heal. But I’m sort of left waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have daily devotions to the Old Man, I offer Him whiskey and sometimes barley or tobacco, and I feel He’s pleased with that, but I wonder if that’s REALLY all He wants. I hear so much about what a hard and difficult God He is to serve, and the ease of my relationship with Him makes me worry. Aren’t I supposed to feel ripped open and raw by His power? Am I just talking to a sock puppet in my head? I don’t think so. A few times during my devotions, I’ve felt a powerful spirit rise up within me, and I trembled or even cried a little, for no logical, discernible reason. I think that He is listening to me, I feel His Presence, and I sense the raw, bloody hunger contained in Him, but somehow I have never experienced it (and I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed by that). Maybe it’s because He didn’t come into my life until after I had already been completely broken down, utterly destroyed by life, to the point where I had to literally run away to the woods for 2 years because I could not bear to be a part of society any longer. I never thought I’d be back. But here I am, in the world again, and not entirely sure if that is a success or a failure on my part.
Athena is completely different. She’s calm, restrained, in the background. To be honest, I rarely feel Her Presence like I do some of the Others, and when I do, its never as intense. I think aloofness is an essential part of Her nature. I have always considered Her my patroness, and yet strangely, I have the least direct experience of Her. I’m not sure if direct experience is something She DOES.
I’m not entirely sure where I am going with this. I suppose only time will tell how my relationships with my Deities will unfold. I’m not even sure if this is really something I should publish on here.
Its far more personal and less essay-like than what I normally post. Very stream of consciousness, but oh well. It just felt like something I should chronicle, something that needed to be worked out. I’m still working it out. Writing is my primary way of understanding my tangled thoughts and emotions and I am very tangled right now. Not in a bad way, just …. Knotted.
Anywho. Thats where I’m at spiritually right now, I suppose.