I’m going to start practicing rituals again, even if I don’t necessarily believe. I am comforted by the rituals and the symbolism. I recently traded bedrooms with my brother (we live together), because he may need surgery eventually, and if that happens I don’t want him to have to go up and down stairs every day. On a whim, I set up an altar above my bed in the new room. When I was homeless for a while, I had to get rid of most of my altar supplies, but I was able to keep some of the pieces that were most important to me. Setting up the altar, arranging the statues, stones, paintings, etc, bought me a kind of peace I have not felt in a while. I put the statue of Artemis in the center; I am after all now trying to be closer to nature and change from a city practice to a forest practice.
I still don’t know what I believe. I still don’t know if the Gods literally exist. I just know that this world speaks to me like nothing else. Perhaps if I begin practicing again, I will start to feel the closeness that I used to. Paganism is after all a religion of practice more than it is of belief.
I feel bitter in a way. Life is so goddamned difficult. I try so hard to be a good person, and I just keep getting kicked in the teeth. I know the universe doesn’t owe me anything, but its hard to believe in a merciful Deity of any kind when so many bad things keep happening. I know things are getting better though; cutting my father out of my life reduced the amount of drama, toxicity and emergencies so much its shocking. I didn’t realize how much he was messing up my thinking and holding me back until he was out of my life. He’s an expert at gaslighting and messing with your head. Maybe everything will improve now, including my faith. I hope so. I miss that part of myself. I few months ago I started drawing again, something I have not done in literally years. I am writing now, even if its just blogging infrequently. I am working part-time at Petsmart, which I love! I am so happy to be working with animals again. Things are improving, and I feel more like my old self than I have in years. I just have to keep reminding myself that things are improving and it is getting better. I hope that if I start practicing again that maybe my faith will come back, too.